Section Three - The Canuckleheads

WehrGoat's Secret Plans for the Conquest of Canada

	Infiltration and Sabotage


	In preparation for the attack, WehrGoat agents will conduct a campaign of subversion within the evil Northern empire. Allied beavers (from Oregon), co-opted Mounties and expat hockey players will help in softening up the Canadian defenses. The six different operations are described below.

	(1) Operation Northern Blow Objective: Disruption of communication networks. Operation Northern Blow will be conducted by thin-blooded polar bears dressed in loud Hawaiian shirts. They will cross the Canadian border from Alaska and spread out across Canada. Each will be armed multi-channel radio transmitters. Upon reaching predetermined locations, the operatives will activate the transmitters and bombard the airwaves with a pre-recorded program. These recordings will be constant streams of the following phrases: "eh! eh! eh!" and "what do you mean you are out of beer?" The Canadian communications infrastructure will descend into chaos.

	(2) Operation Flying Furry Beaver Objective: Pinning the Western Canadian forces. Operation Flying Furry Beaver aims to disorganize and pin the western Canadian defense forces. Swarms of unemployed Oregon beavers will be migrated to training camps in Northern Washington state. Once there, they will be subjected to intense lectures that are intended to further lower their self-esteem and fester general dissatisfaction in their current relationships. Then, they will be well plowed with liquor and paradropped into Canadian military bases. When on the ground, the beavers will date military officers and fake pregnancy in order to get married. With their moral plummeting, the military forces will become lax and disorganized. The beavers will deliver a final blow by sewing the pant legs shut on all their uniforms.

	(3) Operation Slap Shot Objective: Terrorize population through desecration of national sport. Secret agents will slip into the power centers of Canada--the professional hockey arenas. They will secretly replace the regulation hockey pucks with specially modified hockey pucks. When the pucks are subjected to a strong hit, they will detonate and send shredded private health insurance forms in a 75' radius. Confusion, panic and uncertainty will immediately ensue.

	(4) Operation Barn Storm Objective: Clog the Canadian transportation network with barnyard refugees. The objective of Operation Barn Storm is to cripple the Canadian transportation network, thus limiting their ability to transport defense forces, equipment and supplies. WehrGoat agents will slip across the border and infiltrate farms and ranches. Once in place, they will spread rumors of pending conquest, enslavement and torture. The residents will flee in fear and clog the roadways.

	(5) Operation Beer Run Objective: Depletion of Canadian drinking water. Operation Beer Run is the most ambitious operation. It aims to eliminate the Canadian water supply, thus forcing their thirsty soldiers to surrender in droves. Of course, Canadians do not actually drink water; they drink beer. So, Operation Beer Run will target Canada's beer stores. This is a dangerous operation, as they vigorously defend their beer. It will be destroyed in place with explosive charges. Allied beavers and fake tourists will sneak into storage warehouses and place the charges. Some of the beer will be captured and transported back across the border. This will be used to lure Canadian soldiers into surrender with the promise of a tall, frosty drink.

	(6) Operation Furious Frenchie Objective: Political destabilization. The goal of Operation Furious Frenchie is to cause internal political turmoil in the evil Canadian empire. Mercenary amphibigoats (close genetic relatives to WehrGoats) will enter Canada from the North Atlantic. Armed with packs of spray paint, they will trek by foot into the heart of Quebec. Upon reaching predetermined locations, they will spread seditious graffiti across the urban landscape. Examples of the graffiti include the phrases "I have your frog hanging right here" and "speak English, you fucking turds!" Nationalist sentiment will foment and political turmoil will explode.